The Home Front: Family and Friends While I Am Away
Friends and colleagues may miss us when we are gone – and they will carry on. If we have a partner or family there is a difference. Every day, every week, this is their mission as well.
Do the dishes before you leave
We get to leave behind many of the routines and responsibilities of home and office. Those who remain behind, however, are taking care of things without us and without the excitement of our adventures.
Think through what you normally shoulder – bills, vehicle and house maintenance, kid pickups, IT trouble shooting. Do all you can to put things in order before you depart or ensure that someone else has clear guidance on what needs to be done. Be very nice to that person when you get back.
Plan for coming home. On the other end of the trip you will find that you have lost track of some tasks. Make a “take care of as soon as I return” list so that nothing gets dropped. (At the same time, schedule some recovery days for your return, and time with your family. It hurts to get off the airplane and return to the office the next morning. You won’t be very productive in any case.)
Stay in touch – but not too much
WhatsApp, texting, social media and emails are both a blessing and a curse for short term missions. They do allow us to stay in touch with home. They provide hooks for conversations on return, help with trouble shooting and help us feel more grounded when out there on our own.
The risk is that they can become a virtual cocoon – a trap of being at home while away from home. In order to be effective and increasingly comfortable in our new environment we need to be somewhat abandoned there. We need to eat supper in strange restaurants, accept invitations from new acquaintances, resort to watching tv in incomprehensible languages and stare wonderingly at cricket or buzkashi matches.
The challenge lies in finding a balance. When my wife or I are on a mission we plan on catching up just once or twice a week, more frequently only if something urgent is happening. That keeps us in touch and leaves lots of stories for the telling when we get back together. Leaving the timing loose is important. Internet services frequently fail in other countries, and flexible expectations forestall worry and alarm. If you have young children you might want to stay in touch more frequently.
My email is open to my colleagues at CANADEM 24/7 when I am away and they tend to be in touch just when they need to be. They understand the value of my being free to focus on the mission. My return is helped with a box of chocolates or other treat. (Choose treats carefully, though. I found that Canadian customs doesn’t approve of ostrich jerky.)
Be careful with your cell phone. Roaming charges will soar if you leave the wrong apps turned on. Either plan to buy and install a local SIM card at your destination or leave the cell at home. Be sure to install updated security features on your phone and computer and to back up critical data. Foreign viruses and theft are potential risks.
The challenge of talking about the trip
What do you say while away? Enthuse too much, especially if you’ve pre-empted your partner’s tale of woes about the kids or maintenance problems and you’re in trouble. Focus on your intestinal disorders, the traffic chaos and the unfathomable priorities of your counterparts and you may get either a “what did you expect?” or an evacuation flight commissioned by a collection of your concerned friends.
After many years of doing it wrong, I’ve concluded that it is hard for people at home to understand what I encounter, out of context. For each I now choose some aspect of the experience that they will find interesting – something about the culture, the geography, the unexpected application of technology, the food … whatever they might be able to pass on, in turn, to someone else who asks. And I don’t talk too soon. If I write something reflective during the weekend, I sit on it until mid-week to be sure that I still feel happy saying it, and in that way.
If you are receiving messages about your partner’s challenges, do be empathetic. You are on an unusual mission and so are they, carrying the load for two of you at home.
The challenge is slightly different when you get back. Every neighbour, friend and business acquaintance will ask “How was Xanadu, anyway?” You will have about one minute to give your best answer and show maybe one photograph. The depth of your experience and the memory card of photos will be eclipsed by their quick move to the topics of local sports or neighbourhood happenings. It isn’t their fault. They just don’t have the receptor points for your tales. I find myself pre-packaging small story-bytes for different audiences. Occasionally I’ll find someone who really does know and want more – and often in exchange for my hearing their untold tales. That can be fun. (Or I find myself switching the topic to local sports, depending.)
Do keep a journal of your experiences, insights and feelings while away. This is not for your biographer. It is for you. Years later you will read it and smile.
Poor Prince Harry
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” is a myth. Whether Royalty or commoner, we are highly visible when we are away from home. Our international partners see what we do, and it reflects on our organizations and country. At an extreme end, things may be illegal there that aren’t at home (for instance making public or even private comments about a national leader).
Even things that seem private, like our Facebook and other messaging, aren’t. One international consultant posted a photo of himself on the beach with a joking “this is what I’m up to when the boss thinks I’m working”. The image got bounced around, and he found himself on an early flight home. Messages can be confused, out of context. Be careful. Think twice.
These final days are stressful for all of us. Be patient and kind to yourself and others. Ask for help. Anticipate the calm that will settle when you settle into the airplane seat with everything done that you could do.
